A lifetime since I’d last ignored the signs forbidding us from entering the caved-in skull of that old pit of stone, I jumped the barbed-wire fence and found its eggshell quiet eerily intact. The inward path—forgetful in a fog of green that seemed to float above the soil—lay still ahead of me; the air of something that remained asleep where it had come to rest an age ago. I made no sound until I reached the sheer basin of the quarry: stones scattering underfoot and echoing around its powdery facades, as though to rouse some ancient theatre. And then this timeless scene—rapids of deer cutting across my line of sight and vanishing into brush—leaving me just a flash of the topaz in their eyes—
A good test of a poem is to read it out loud. I did, because I was taken by the eloquence of the first stanza. I wasn't disappointed. Thank you.
Can I share one reaction? I bristled at "timeless scene". If the flashing gems stones of the deer's eyes don't do the trick, the adjective 'timeless' isn't needed, and if the eyes don't bring it off, calling it timeless won't help.
thank you for your close reading william and for your well-observed critique - tbh I had reservations about 'timeless' (it's a bit broad, a bit facile?) and may well edit it out.. I had considered 'ancient scene' to echo the 'ancient theatre' but again, a bit broad (not to mention repetitious). anyway thanks again, I do appreciate your input
thanks for the close reading melanie, I'm glad you appreciated it and it's nice to be reminded ppl actually notice these things! and an ishiguro comparison is very welcome <3
"forbidding us from entering": the "us" is brilliant. The single word drawing a picture of your childhood, setting up the contrast with you tracing the path alone.
"—leaving me just
a flash of the topaz
in their eyes—":
I wonder if this would work better without the "the"? (although the line wouldn't quite have the music it does). That way you'd get a proper ambiguity of meaning: they leave you just a flash of topaz; but also you are, in their eyes, nothing but a flash of topaz.
For some reason I remembered your note the other day about finding an interesting stone and I want to believe that this poem somehow began with that...
A good test of a poem is to read it out loud. I did, because I was taken by the eloquence of the first stanza. I wasn't disappointed. Thank you.
Can I share one reaction? I bristled at "timeless scene". If the flashing gems stones of the deer's eyes don't do the trick, the adjective 'timeless' isn't needed, and if the eyes don't bring it off, calling it timeless won't help.
thank you for your close reading william and for your well-observed critique - tbh I had reservations about 'timeless' (it's a bit broad, a bit facile?) and may well edit it out.. I had considered 'ancient scene' to echo the 'ancient theatre' but again, a bit broad (not to mention repetitious). anyway thanks again, I do appreciate your input
What if instead of "timeless scene" you extended the water metaphor of the "rapids of deer" and made in into a "timeless stream"?
"And then in timeless stream — rapids of deer"
"the caved-in skull of that old pit of stone," is a great image and "eggshell quiet" pairs so nicely with it, as if the skull were also an egg.
"forgetful in a fog" and the skull and the sense of the ancient mystery of it all put me in mind of Kazuo Ishiguro's The Buried Giant.
"rapids of deer
cutting across my line of sight" is delightful. As is the final flash of topaz in their eyes.
thanks for the close reading melanie, I'm glad you appreciated it and it's nice to be reminded ppl actually notice these things! and an ishiguro comparison is very welcome <3
That “forgetful” is surprising, and “rapids of deer” a perfectly economical phrase. Enjoyed reading this and mulling it over.
thank you peter - the 'rapids' almost didn't make it in, so I'm glad to hear it works
Wonderful, as usual. Two things that jump out:
"forbidding us from entering": the "us" is brilliant. The single word drawing a picture of your childhood, setting up the contrast with you tracing the path alone.
"—leaving me just
a flash of the topaz
in their eyes—":
I wonder if this would work better without the "the"? (although the line wouldn't quite have the music it does). That way you'd get a proper ambiguity of meaning: they leave you just a flash of topaz; but also you are, in their eyes, nothing but a flash of topaz.
fair point - and absolutely a reading I would be happy to encourage
Very nice. I like the naturalism of this surreality, if that make sense to you
for sure - it's a refreshing change compared to some of my cerebral nonsense
Love this - I had a quarry too called Pex Hill complete with haunted cottage & a grim tale or two!
For some reason I remembered your note the other day about finding an interesting stone and I want to believe that this poem somehow began with that...
not far off!